These Kids Today ...

OK. So, the Boy brought home his progress report from school. 2 Fs. Several Ds, Maybe 1 C.

He doesn't seem to understand that he must put forth some effort in order to pass his classes. If he flunks out of school, I have no idea what he'll do. All he wants to do right now is play his guitar. That's great. I'm glad he's good at something he enjoys. But that's no reason to neglect his education. I've tried negotiation, rewards, positive reinforcement. His grades are worse.

Now we've got to get medieval on his butt. I wanted to take away his guitars, his i-pod and everything he enjoys until he earns them back by improving his grades.

His father, however, doesn't want to discourage his music.

Maybe we should ground him from talking to his friends on the phone and going to their houses on the weekend. Though what he'd do here is beyond me and I don't want a sulking teenage boy anywhere near me.

So, I suppose, I should wash my hands of the whole thing. He's got a blood Mama and Daddy. Let them worry about it. I'm just the chick that married his Dad.

But I love the Boy. I'm concerned with his future and his wellbeing. I want to be supportive and see him do well. I don't want to see him fail at something as simple as High School.

I mean, my God. Look how many people manage to graduate from High School every year. Very few of them are rocket scientists. Surely he can do it.

Tenth Anniversary

Today is our 10th Anniversary. To celebrate, we took the kids to a local Mexican Restaurant where I ate 'til I was stuffed, mainly their chicken soup with avacado slices.

Yep. We're so freakin' romantic, it's disgusting.

Actually, we'd always planned to go to Ireland for our 10th anniversary. That was, of course, before I got sick, lost my job and everything went to hell in a handbasket.

Since my heart is on its last legs, so to speak, I'm not even thinking about our 15th or 20th anniversaries. I've also given up on ever going to Europe or taking a real cruise. I've made do with the ferry from AK as my "cruise". And I've been through Canada and crossed into Mexico once so I've technically been 'out of the country'. I've been more places than my mother so I guess I'm satisfied.

I really shouldn't whine. There are billions of people worse off than me. I'm complaining about not getting to travel while there are people who live and die in the same little village with no running water, very little food, and in constant fear of militia attacks. I'm full of American arrogance and self-centeredness. But, c'est la vie.

First Rejection of 2010

Well, even though I haven't queried since last fall, I received a rejection today after I'd already given up on the agents I'd queried and hadn't heard from.

"Sorry, not right for me."

Five words. Five words with so much power in them.

Yet, after I considered the words and got over the initial disappointment and flash of 'hurt', I feel ... not quite so bad anymore.

At least said agent didn't say, "This manuscript sucks so hard, it's like the Black Hole of literature."

Just, "...not right for me."

Possibly, it's right for someone else. I might submit it to someone else though I don't hold out much hope. I've submitted it to quite a few agents/publishers and the ones who haven't replied with rejections, haven't replied at all except for one publisher who requested the full. Still, haven't heard from that publisher either since the full was sent in August.

Should I keep submitting or give up on this particular novel? I haven't written anything that good since finishing the 3rd book in my trilogy (it was actually the 5th book in a ... quintelogy?).

I just seem to have run out of creativity. Not sure how to get it back.

In Between the Holidays

Made it through Christmas. Next comes New Year's. I've never really celebrated it since growing up. The family celebrations as a kid were great. But I never cared for the 'adult' celebrations. Stupid drunks, lame excuses to hook up, pressure to be so glam. Ugh.

My husband and I went out once for New Year's. We had an OK time, but it was too much of a hassle and we don't care to do it again. We usually sleep through it now.

Christmas Dinner didn't go so well. I had to improvise a substitute when the ham I'd bought to cook turned out to be spoiled. As soon as I opened it, the stench hit me. So I tossed it and wound up baking chicken breasts on the dressing. They turned out OK and I had a ton of other food. We bought a ham later and I cooked it. I'm making soup from its bone and the left-over vegetables from Christmas dinner. It's pretty darn good.

Now comes the taking down of the decorations and putting them away for another year. That's always a sad duty. But frankly, I'm glad to get the holidays over. Very stress-ful, especially when I'm not sure if my health will hold up and when we don't have any money.

But we had a good one. We were all healthy and alive. We went to midnight mass. The hubs and the kids went to Sunday mass. I didn't feel well but I should've gone too. I just couldn't drag myself into the shower or get dressed. I think I'm slipping back into depression.

But I'm not going to give in, dammit! That's my New Year's Resolution this time. I'm not going to mope around and feel sorry for myself or get all depressed over everything. If I die this year, so be it. I need to cram all the living I can into the next few hours, days, weeks or months I have left.

I have to face the fact there are things in my life I'll never accomplish; as Pink Floyd said in "Breathe" :

And then one day you find

Ten years have got behind you

No one told you when to run

You missed the starting gun.

And you run and you run

To catch up with the Sun

But it's sinking;

Racing around to come up behind you again.

The Sun is the same

In a relative way

But you're older;

Shorter of breath, One day closer to Death.

So that's the way life goes.

Closer and Closer, Christmas Creeps.

Ever thought about how spooky Christmas actually is?

Besides the religious significance of the holiday to many people, the whole Santa Clause thing is rather frightening.

1. You're being stalked. Face it, Santa knows when you've been sleeping, knows when you're awake, knows if you've been bad or good ... How does he know that unless he's stalking you?
2. Your home is invaded as you sleep. How else could Santa get those toys into your house unless he breaks in? The chimney's not exactly a 'normal' mode of entry for most people. And what about those of us without chimnies? That question leads us to ...
3. You have some sort of supernatural creature coming into your home. Honestly; have you seen the insides of chimnies? They're too small for someone of Santa's legendary girth to squeeze through. And if you don't have a chimney, how does he slither into your house through locked doors and windows?
4. He sneaks in when you're not looking. One of the scariest things I can think of is having someone in your house and you aren't aware of their presence. Santa gets in and out while you're home without your ever noticing. You just see the aftermath.
5. There are consequences if you don't follow his rules. If you screw up and end up on the naughty list, Santa is very disappointed in you. No goodies for you, this year.

Maybe the eerie aspects of Christmas are what makes it so special. Even the religious aspects of the holiday are rather scarey: mysterious stars appearing suddenly in the sky; voices and visions of supernatural beings appearing in the dead of night to shepherds out in the fields at night.

All in all, the mysteries of Christmas make it the most intriguing of all holidays. There is the anticipation of what's in those wrapped packages; family and loved ones gathering; feasts--I wouldn't trade celebrating the holiday with anything else.

Here's hoping everyone has a good holiday season whatever your religion, creed or beliefs, or even lack of any of the aforementioned.

Holidays Getting Close

Finally getting the husband to get the house ready for the holidays. Now that the kids are here, he has no real excuse for not decorating.

I'm in a much more festive mood than in the last couple of years. Of course that isn't saying much.

Year before last, I was just getting out of the hospital and didn't feel like doing anything.

Last year, I'd lost 2 jobs in a month and besides being broke, I was depressed. Not just sad, but soul-crushingly depressed. I was practically suicidal. I had no desire to celebrate anything and just wanted to hide away and die.

This year, I'm relatively calm and not desperately un-happy though I've had enough hospitalizations this year to choke an elephant. Two heart attacks (at least) as well as unstable angina and Bell's Palsey, have really taken the wind out of my sails.

But we have the kids here this year and it's not fair to them, or, actually, to my lovely husband for me to sit around and mope. I'm going to try to make the best of it and pretend to be happy for them.

But I don't think I will ever be truly happy again. My spirit is broken and I've lost hope. I'm dying and it won't be too terribly far away. Though I don't think I really fear death, I don't want to leave my husband and my sweet pups. The kids will be fine; they have a mother. I'm just the wicked stepmother.

But my dogs have no one but me to advocate for them. My husband says they're out of here if anything happens to me 'cause he can't take care of them alone. I can't stand the thought of them being taken to a pound. They should be loved and cared for the rest of their lives. They're the only ones I feel really need me. Everyone else will be fine, if not better off, without me.

Ah well, it's no fun talking about such things during the holiday season. I think my New Year's resolution for 2010 will be to have a more positive attitude.

Happy Holidays to all.

Ups and Downs

The holiday season. It's supposed to be so full of happiness. Yet, I'm behind in everything I'm not working, not writing, and still don't have the house decorated. If it weren't for Jess, we'd have no trees anywhere. At least she got her tree up in her room.

Every day I think I'm going to do something; yet, I wind up sleeping, feeling tired, feeling bad, and never getting anything done.

I'm giving up on writing, too. I haven't had an original idea in years.

I'm just tired. Tired of everything.