In Between the Holidays

Made it through Christmas. Next comes New Year's. I've never really celebrated it since growing up. The family celebrations as a kid were great. But I never cared for the 'adult' celebrations. Stupid drunks, lame excuses to hook up, pressure to be so glam. Ugh.

My husband and I went out once for New Year's. We had an OK time, but it was too much of a hassle and we don't care to do it again. We usually sleep through it now.

Christmas Dinner didn't go so well. I had to improvise a substitute when the ham I'd bought to cook turned out to be spoiled. As soon as I opened it, the stench hit me. So I tossed it and wound up baking chicken breasts on the dressing. They turned out OK and I had a ton of other food. We bought a ham later and I cooked it. I'm making soup from its bone and the left-over vegetables from Christmas dinner. It's pretty darn good.

Now comes the taking down of the decorations and putting them away for another year. That's always a sad duty. But frankly, I'm glad to get the holidays over. Very stress-ful, especially when I'm not sure if my health will hold up and when we don't have any money.

But we had a good one. We were all healthy and alive. We went to midnight mass. The hubs and the kids went to Sunday mass. I didn't feel well but I should've gone too. I just couldn't drag myself into the shower or get dressed. I think I'm slipping back into depression.

But I'm not going to give in, dammit! That's my New Year's Resolution this time. I'm not going to mope around and feel sorry for myself or get all depressed over everything. If I die this year, so be it. I need to cram all the living I can into the next few hours, days, weeks or months I have left.

I have to face the fact there are things in my life I'll never accomplish; as Pink Floyd said in "Breathe" :

And then one day you find

Ten years have got behind you

No one told you when to run

You missed the starting gun.

And you run and you run

To catch up with the Sun

But it's sinking;

Racing around to come up behind you again.

The Sun is the same

In a relative way

But you're older;

Shorter of breath, One day closer to Death.

So that's the way life goes.

Go Dawgs!

Yes! UGA pulled it out today and beat Arkansas.

One of the things I miss most about being sick and poor is being able to go to ballgames. I'd never be able to walk all over the campus like I did before I got sick. My heart wouldn't take it. And I sure couldn't stay out in the heat of the stadium.

I remember one year playing TN and it was so bloody hot in Sanford Stadium. No air was moving at all and it was in the 90s-100s down at field level. Plus it was so crowded, no one could breathe. It was actually kinda scarey. People crowded the aisles and the crowd started pushing and people were being crushed. I remember pulling some girl out of the crowd on the steps next to my seat. She was crying, practically hysterical. Too hot down there.

I always dreamed of my husband and kids going to Athens on Saturdays, tailgating, going to the games, wearing the Red & Black, spending time in the mountains on our way back home. But, though we did that a few times, it's not like I imagined. We never had enough time or money to do it like I'd always dreamed.

Now, I'm too sick and old and poor to do anything like that. I didn't get to retire and have a comfortable end of days. Now it's too late. I didn't realize my full earning potential, and what I did have, I pissed away. I have nothing to show for all the years I worked. My poor husband should be enjoying his retirement instead of working.

One reason I wish I could become a published writer is so I'd have something to show for my 'wasted time'. My husband is so supportive and he believes in me and my writing aspirations. He's never said he blames me for our money woes though if I'd never gotten sick, we wouldn't have them.

I have the most wonderful husband in the world. I wish I could spoil him like he deserves. But I can't. I can't even make the house beautiful for him because of my heart. I get chest pain and short of breath just walking from the bed to the bathroom, much less actually DOING anything.

But UGA won this Saturday, so all's right with the world.

Go Dawgs!