Monday, December 28, 2009

In Between the Holidays

Made it through Christmas. Next comes New Year's. I've never really celebrated it since growing up. The family celebrations as a kid were great. But I never cared for the 'adult' celebrations. Stupid drunks, lame excuses to hook up, pressure to be so glam. Ugh.

My husband and I went out once for New Year's. We had an OK time, but it was too much of a hassle and we don't care to do it again. We usually sleep through it now.

Christmas Dinner didn't go so well. I had to improvise a substitute when the ham I'd bought to cook turned out to be spoiled. As soon as I opened it, the stench hit me. So I tossed it and wound up baking chicken breasts on the dressing. They turned out OK and I had a ton of other food. We bought a ham later and I cooked it. I'm making soup from its bone and the left-over vegetables from Christmas dinner. It's pretty darn good.

Now comes the taking down of the decorations and putting them away for another year. That's always a sad duty. But frankly, I'm glad to get the holidays over. Very stress-ful, especially when I'm not sure if my health will hold up and when we don't have any money.

But we had a good one. We were all healthy and alive. We went to midnight mass. The hubs and the kids went to Sunday mass. I didn't feel well but I should've gone too. I just couldn't drag myself into the shower or get dressed. I think I'm slipping back into depression.

But I'm not going to give in, dammit! That's my New Year's Resolution this time. I'm not going to mope around and feel sorry for myself or get all depressed over everything. If I die this year, so be it. I need to cram all the living I can into the next few hours, days, weeks or months I have left.

I have to face the fact there are things in my life I'll never accomplish; as Pink Floyd said in "Breathe" :

And then one day you find
Ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run
You missed the starting gun.
And you run and you run
To catch up with the Sun
But it's sinking;
Racing around to come up behind you again.
The Sun is the same
In a relative way
But you're older;
Shorter of breath, One day closer to Death.
So that's the way life goes.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Closer and Closer, Christmas Creeps.

Ever thought about how spooky Christmas actually is?

Besides the religious significance of the holiday to many people, the whole Santa Clause thing is rather frightening.

  1. You're being stalked. Face it, Santa knows when you've been sleeping, knows when you're awake, knows if you've been bad or good ... How does he know that unless he's stalking you?
  2. Your home is invaded as you sleep. How else could Santa get those toys into your house unless he breaks in? The chimney's not exactly a 'normal' mode of entry for most people. And what about those of us without chimnies? That question leads us to ...
  3. You have some sort of supernatural creature coming into your home. Honestly; have you seen the insides of chimnies? They're too small for someone of Santa's legendary girth to squeeze through. And if you don't have a chimney, how does he slither into your house through locked doors and windows?
  4. He sneaks in when you're not looking. One of the scariest things I can think of is having someone in your house and you aren't aware of their presence. Santa gets in and out while you're home without your ever noticing. You just see the aftermath.
  5. There are consequences if you don't follow his rules. If you screw up and end up on the naughty list, Santa is very disappointed in you. No goodies for you, this year.

Maybe the eerie aspects of Christmas are what makes it so special. Even the religious aspects of the holiday are rather scarey: mysterious stars appearing suddenly in the sky; voices and visions of supernatural beings appearing in the dead of night to shepherds out in the fields at night.

All in all, the mysteries of Christmas make it the most intriguing of all holidays. There is the anticipation of what's in those wrapped packages; family and loved ones gathering; feasts--I wouldn't trade celebrating the holiday with anything else.

Here's hoping everyone has a good holiday season whatever your religion, creed or beliefs, or even lack of any of the aforementioned.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Holidays Getting Close

Finally getting the husband to get the house ready for the holidays. Now that the kids are here, he has no real excuse for not decorating.

I'm in a much more festive mood than in the last couple of years. Of course that isn't saying much.

Year before last, I was just getting out of the hospital and didn't feel like doing anything.

Last year, I'd lost 2 jobs in a month and besides being broke, I was depressed. Not just sad, but soul-crushingly depressed. I was practically suicidal. I had no desire to celebrate anything and just wanted to hide away and die.

This year, I'm relatively calm and not desperately un-happy though I've had enough hospitalizations this year to choke an elephant. Two heart attacks (at least) as well as unstable angina and Bell's Palsey, have really taken the wind out of my sails.

But we have the kids here this year and it's not fair to them, or, actually, to my lovely husband for me to sit around and mope. I'm going to try to make the best of it and pretend to be happy for them.

But I don't think I will ever be truly happy again. My spirit is broken and I've lost hope. I'm dying and it won't be too terribly far away. Though I don't think I really fear death, I don't want to leave my husband and my sweet pups. The kids will be fine; they have a mother. I'm just the wicked stepmother.

But my dogs have no one but me to advocate for them. My husband says they're out of here if anything happens to me 'cause he can't take care of them alone. I can't stand the thought of them being taken to a pound. They should be loved and cared for the rest of their lives. They're the only ones I feel really need me. Everyone else will be fine, if not better off, without me.

Ah well, it's no fun talking about such things during the holiday season. I think my New Year's resolution for 2010 will be to have a more positive attitude.

Happy Holidays to all.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Ups and Downs

The holiday season. It's supposed to be so full of happiness. Yet, I'm behind in everything I'm not working, not writing, and still don't have the house decorated. If it weren't for Jess, we'd have no trees anywhere. At least she got her tree up in her room.

Every day I think I'm going to do something; yet, I wind up sleeping, feeling tired, feeling bad, and never getting anything done.

I'm giving up on writing, too. I haven't had an original idea in years.

I'm just tired. Tired of everything.