Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Interesting Book Trailer

From the Smart Bitches, Trashy Books website: This trailer for hot Cracken love had me laughing.

I'd read it, though.

Wish I could write something people wanted to read. And I keep having ideas during the middle of the night just as I'm drifting off to sleep. However, I can't remember them when I wake up.

Oh, I know the rules: Keep a notebook by the bed to jot down ideas.

Yeah, right. I'm almost asleep. I'm not going to rouse myself to write something down when I'm slipping into the arms of Morpheus. I have a hard enough time falling asleep and staying asleep. I'm not going to interrupt the process.

Speaking of dreams, I keep having dreams about living in Alaska, traveling on roads down from my house in Georgia, and working in either a hospital, nursing home or the managed care offices I once worked in. Talk about nightmares.

I loved working at AdvoCare (Magellan). I also loved working at BACH in AK. I really didn't like that place I worked when I had my sudden cardiac death a couple of years ago (can't even remember the name; thank God I've blocked it out). Neither did I like that nursing home I worked in for a month last year (or was it the year before?).

Before I married, I had good and bad jobs. But since then, I've had either really good ones or really sucky ones. When we first married, I worked in a hospital. I never wanted to see patients again after some 85 year old woman beat me with her call light one night. She was possessed.

Now, however, I can't work. My memory is terrible, but my health is worse. I can't hold out to do physical labor and my memory is so bad, I wouldn't trust myself to do patient care--which is what they wanted me to do at the Nursing Home. I told them I couldn't do it, but they made me do it anyway and then when I couldn't do it correctly, they fired me.

No big loss. I hated that place anyway. I was happy when they let me go. The stress of worrying about it was over. Same with the job before that. I knew I wasn't doing what I needed to do and couldn't force myself to do any better. I plain wasn't able.

Tough to admit: I was always the caretaker for everyone and not being able to do it anymore is absolutely soul-crushing. Plus, I'd never ever been FIRED from any job before. Then to be fired twice in the same month--absolutely devastating.

But, I suppose it was a blessing in disguise. I've had 2 heart attacks since then. I'd never have been able to work effectively. Still, feels weird.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Idiots in Washington?

The anti-rape bill in congress that would allow victims to sue their attackers' companies, barely passed. It came about because a worker in Iraq was gang-raped by co-workers from Halliburton. The anti-rape bill was introduced by Al Franken (D-MN).

Who would be stupid enough to vote against it? These senators:

Alexander (R-TN)
Barrasso (R-WY)
Bond (R-MO)
Brownback (R-KS)
Bunning (R-KY)
Burr (R-NC)
Chambliss (R-GA)
Coburn (R-OK)
Cochran (R-MS)
Corker (R-TN)
Cornyn (R-TX)
Crapo (R-ID)
DeMint (R-SC)
Ensign (R-NV)
Enzi (R-WY)
Graham (R-SC)
Gregg (R-NH)
Inhofe (R-OK)
Isakson (R-GA)
Johanns (R-NE)
Kyl (R-AZ)
McCain (R-AZ)
McConnell (R-KY)
Risch (R-ID)
Roberts (R-KS)
Sessions (R-AL)
Shelby (R-AL)
Thune (R-SD)
Vitter (R-LA)
Wicker (R-MS)

I'm so ashamed both senators from my home state of Georgia voted against it, as did both senators from my adopted state of Tennessee.

Are they high? What's wrong with these senators? They're essentially saying they approve of rape; that rape is OK, just hush it up.

I will certainly vote against them when they next come up for election. I don't care who they are.

I seldom get political online, but this just burned my butt. The votes against it were all Republican because a Democrat introduced it. I'm neither R or D, but good grief; can't they put party politics aside and work for the good of the country, not themselves and their party? The Republicans sure stabbed themselves in the foot on this one. They'll need to do a lot to make up for such a lack of common sense.

Monday, October 19, 2009

New Year, New Week

I've begun a new year in my life. Yesterday was my birthday. My sweetheart and The Girl gave me a princess cake complete with septre and tiara. I've always said I was a princess (as per my Daddy) and it's followed me all my life.

I'm not sure how I feel about growing older. Of course, as they say, the alternative isn't that pleasant. Then again, sometimes I wish I could go ahead and finish this life.

I'm tired. I'm tired of being sick; tired of being in pain; tired of being a burden; tired of not being able to do anything; tired of being poor; tired of having a messy house and not feeling like cleaning.

I'm always tired. I'd sleep all day and all night if I could get away with it. I wish I could feel energetic, but I'd rather just sleep. Physically, that is. Mentally, I'd love to do stuff. I see things I'd like to do, places I'd like to go, projects I'd like to work on. But I'm always tired. I don't have the energy to do anything.

But today, I'm going to try to feel better. I'm going to make a concious effort to get some sunshine and feel better. It'll be tough 'cause right now I want to nap, but I'm going to at least try. It's not fair to the dogs that I keep them in with me all the time. They need to run and play.

I'm thakful for having lived another year, birthday cake, scented candles and snuggly pups.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Not Sure What Happened ...

But I had another MI (heart attack). Can't remember for sure what day it was, but it was recent and I was in the hospital for almost a week.

I woke up and kept having chest pain. I tried aspirin and then sublingual nitroglycerine. I took four or five of them and it just got worse. Finally, I called 911. They came and I was crying while I talked to the operator 'cause I hadn't washed my hair or had a shower.

I remember getting in the ambulance and them telling me I was going to be OK. I've told countless patients the same thing.

"You'll be alright."

"We're going to take care of you."

"Just relax and breathe."

"Don't panic. Just be calm and let us take care of you."

And I remember thinking how stupid we must've sounded to all those poor patients. I knew I was dying, knew I was having a heart attack.

I vaguely remember getting to the hospital, but that's it. The next thing I know I was in ICU on the ventilator. They'd already cath'd and stented me. My best friend drove up from South Georgia. I was shocked. She stayed at our house until I was taken out of ICU off the Vent.

I came home a couple of days ago. I still get uber-tired when I do anything. And I've got some sort of cough, no doubt from being on the vent plus I was given the flu and pneumonia vaccines while hospitalized. I'm doing my breathing exercises, though, and drinking plenty of fluids. My meds didn't change, but the doctor told me I couldn't miss even 1 dose of Plavix. Apparently my blood clots too much in my heart. Likely, the poor cardiac function leads to the blood not pumping correctly, pooling then developing clots.

But, anyway, I'm grateful to God for the EMS, my pups, my doctors, my nurses, & my wonderful friends and family.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

New Cousin

My cousin's daughter, Kimberly, had her baby a couple of weeks ago. Her name's Layla. She's so cute. I'm glad Kimberly keeps us in mind when these things happen. Her blog and e-mails are the only connections I have left with my mother's family.

Her mom, Janet, and I grew up together. Janet was about 4 or 5 years younger than me, but we played together all the time. Janet's older sister, Cindy, passed away earlier this year from cancer. Her younger brother died in 1999 from a heart attack. He had sudden cardiac death, just like me. Only he was asleep and it just happened. She has two more younger siblings, Greg and Mysti, who are also my cousins. Mysti has 2 kids who were in my wedding.

Family was always so important to me. They still are, but we're not close like we used to be. My husband's family is close--his mom, brother and sister--but he doesn't know any of his cousins well, never associates with them, or aunts & uncles. I think, since he was in the military, he got used to not having family around.

I, on the other hand, always had family nearby. We all lived in the same general area except for a few cousins. Sunday dinners, Saturday night suppers, Friday night get-togethers, all at Grandma's were great. I wouldn't trade my memories of those times for anything.

I always thought I'd have kids and we'd all still get together at Grandma's with my cousins and their kids. Didn't happen, though. My next hope was to marry into a large, close family. They're fairly close, but my husband doesn't care for family get-togethers. Plus, I feel awkward when I'm with them.

I've never been comfortable around strangers and I feel like a stranger among his family. Maybe it's the culture: while his family has some 'white' (as my husband says) people married into it, it's a Filipino family. They speak Tagalog when together and I don't think they realize how alienating that is to those of us who don't speak it.

My husband didn't understand why I was hurt by their constant speaking of Tagalog at home.

"We're not saying anything about you. I'd tell you if we were. Just ask."

I explained to him that it was quite exclusionary.

"What if my family and I spoke French? And whenever we were together, all we spoke with each other was French? How would you feel?"

I told him it was impolite to speak a language around other people which wasn't spoken by all of the people present. He finally agreed. Now, if they talk to him in Tagalog and I'm present, he tells them to speak English.

Still, though, if we go to his extended family gatherings, there will be more people there who'll speak Tagalog and I'll feel left out.

But, they're a gregarious bunch. Quite unlike me and my husband. If we spend Thanksgiving with his family again this year (like we usually do), I think I'll finally go with them to the big family gathering. He & I usually stay at his mom's and enjoy the peace and quiet while they take the kids and go party.

This year, however, we're staying at a hotel instead of at his mom's. I've told him time and time again, his mom shouldn't have to tend to 5 extra people and 3 dogs in that one townhouse. It's too much work for her. I was raised to 'spoil your mama'.

Plus, there's only 1 shower for 8 people. Doesn't work too well.

I'm really going to try to be more open and friendlier this year. I'm just naturally aloof around strangers. I think it's because as a kid I was always chastised for being too noisy and taught that "Children are to be seen and not heard." I still kinda believe that. However, I think kids should have good manners and be well-behaved and if they can talk sensibly, there's no reason not to include them.

I also remember, when I was younger, how I'd be excited about family gatherings and was scolded and told to "stop being silly". So I think I learned to overcompensate: I never show excitement or joy around people anymore. Only at ballgames do I feel free to express myself.

Today I'm thankful for: Cheese, my cousin's safe delivery, puppy snuggles, not having a lot of chest pain lately, and, of course, my husband, pups and stepkids.

Monday, October 5, 2009

House Plans

For some reason, I still get houseplans in my e-mail. Years ago, when I had a good job and we had the world in front of us, I used to look at house plans and dream of building our home on Daddy's land or Mama's land or land his mother owns and said we could have.

I've loved looking at house plans since I was a little kid and saw them in Daddy's stuff. I always dreamed of having my own house, built just like I wanted, on my own land.

But it looks like we won't ever have that. We bought a house we don't really like here in TN so we could be close to his kids. Their mom, however, is likely going to move again. She's been here over four years--a record for her.

If we can make it another five years, the Girl will graduate and we'll be free to move wherever my sweetie wants to go. I don't know if I'll still be around by then, however. My heart will probably give out long before then.

So, another day, shot. I didn't do anything useful today. I must try tomorrow.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Weekend's OVAH!!

It's pretty sad when I'm glad to see a weekend end. I suppose it's because now that I'm not working, I have no incentive to care about weekends anymore.

But then, there's Dexter. That show makes the whole weekend worthy for me. We love that show.

I'm reading, still. The Duchess. It's pretty interesting. I didn't know much about her before starting this book. I didn't see the movie and since I'm not a Kiera Knightly fan, I doubt I will.

I plan to actually do some housework tomorrow. I never clean house anymore and fell so bad about it. My husband shouldn't have to do it. He works hard all week. I just sleep all day. Of course, I stay up all night. I'm trying to change that, but I fell asleep this afternoon, too. I take sleeping meds, but they don't work anymore.

We had The Girl all weekend. She's a pretty thing and a sweet girl, but she's also growing up. She accidentally left her MySpace open and I saw it. Wish I hadn't.

But, luckily, I have this short-term memory loss so I've pretty much forgotten what hurt my feelings. I've never been so glad to be forgetful.

I suppose that's something I should be thankful for: not being able to remember hurts or slights. I'm also thankful for chocolate cookie ice cream, ice water, fall sunshine and snuggly puppies. As always, I'm thankful for my 3 dogs, my husband and my family/friends.

Growing Up

The Girl is here this weekend and she's been on my laptop all day. She left her windows open when she fell asleep and I saw her myspace page. You know, some things, I just didn't want to know.

Of course, she's growing up. She's about 12 or 13 now, and I know it's boring over here for her since we don't go anywhere or do anything that would be interesting to her. We just stay home; her daddy plays online and I sleep. Nothing to do but watch TV or go online.

But if she wants to do something else, she should tell us. I have no idea what to do with her. When I was her age, I spent most of my time with my family and/or reading. I read copiously. But, if I'd had friends, I'd probably have wanted to spend time with them rather than family. Of course, my family was my entire social circle. She's a pretty girl and has plenty of friends. She says she doesn't like people, but she obviously does.

I guess I should just give it up, forget about having her around. She needs to make her own life and her own friends. I never thought I'd care, but I do. I'll miss her. Her Daddy is going to be devastated. I need to figure out a way to prepare him without betraying the girl's privacy. But he grew up in a tight-knit family too.

Damn, I feel old.