Dexter!!

Watched the season premier of Dexter tonight. I've missed that show though I've made do with reruns. It's my favorite show right now, and has been since it first came on. Even my husband and stepkids love it.

I've had a good bit of chest pain lately and been taking SL NTG. It's disheartening, discouraging and disappointing. What good did all those caths and stents do earlier this year if I'm going to keep having chest pain? Sometimes I think I should just get a brand new heart though I'm not a good candidate. Plus, the life expectancy isn't that long after the transplant. So, it'd probably be a waste of time for me.

I've tried to tell my husband to prepare for when I die, but he won't hear of it. He refuses to let me discuss it with him and I've tried to tell him the time for planning that sort of thing is before something bad happens. He seems to think if we don't talk about it, it won't happen. But I know it's not far off and I can't talk to anyone about it. No one wants to hear it.

So, I need to get everything taken care of right now. I've got to finish painting. I think that'll be my priority tomorrow: clean our bedroom and bathroom and finish painting it. Of course, the way I feel, maybe it should be my week's priority. I know I'll have to stop and rest every four or five minutes.

I'm just disgusted with myself. I shouldn't be like this. I should be contributing to my husband's welfare rather than being taken care of by him. He worked hard in the Army and should be enjoying his retirement instead of having to work.

I shouldn't worry but it's so hard. I need to learn to let go of things that I can't help or do anything about. I spend far too much time worrying about what I should have done in the past. It keeps me from looking forward tot he future or enjoying the present. I always think of how things were and how they should have been and focusing on the mistakes and messes I've made rather than moving past them and living in the now and enjoying what I have and what I could have. I'm too concerned with what I used to have and what I don't have.

I'm going to try to do better. It'll be hard and I have no doubt I'll have lots of false starts, but I'm going to try. It's all I can do.