In Between the Holidays

Made it through Christmas. Next comes New Year's. I've never really celebrated it since growing up. The family celebrations as a kid were great. But I never cared for the 'adult' celebrations. Stupid drunks, lame excuses to hook up, pressure to be so glam. Ugh.

My husband and I went out once for New Year's. We had an OK time, but it was too much of a hassle and we don't care to do it again. We usually sleep through it now.

Christmas Dinner didn't go so well. I had to improvise a substitute when the ham I'd bought to cook turned out to be spoiled. As soon as I opened it, the stench hit me. So I tossed it and wound up baking chicken breasts on the dressing. They turned out OK and I had a ton of other food. We bought a ham later and I cooked it. I'm making soup from its bone and the left-over vegetables from Christmas dinner. It's pretty darn good.

Now comes the taking down of the decorations and putting them away for another year. That's always a sad duty. But frankly, I'm glad to get the holidays over. Very stress-ful, especially when I'm not sure if my health will hold up and when we don't have any money.

But we had a good one. We were all healthy and alive. We went to midnight mass. The hubs and the kids went to Sunday mass. I didn't feel well but I should've gone too. I just couldn't drag myself into the shower or get dressed. I think I'm slipping back into depression.

But I'm not going to give in, dammit! That's my New Year's Resolution this time. I'm not going to mope around and feel sorry for myself or get all depressed over everything. If I die this year, so be it. I need to cram all the living I can into the next few hours, days, weeks or months I have left.

I have to face the fact there are things in my life I'll never accomplish; as Pink Floyd said in "Breathe" :

And then one day you find

Ten years have got behind you

No one told you when to run

You missed the starting gun.

And you run and you run

To catch up with the Sun

But it's sinking;

Racing around to come up behind you again.

The Sun is the same

In a relative way

But you're older;

Shorter of breath, One day closer to Death.

So that's the way life goes.

Closer and Closer, Christmas Creeps.

Ever thought about how spooky Christmas actually is?

Besides the religious significance of the holiday to many people, the whole Santa Clause thing is rather frightening.

1. You're being stalked. Face it, Santa knows when you've been sleeping, knows when you're awake, knows if you've been bad or good ... How does he know that unless he's stalking you?
2. Your home is invaded as you sleep. How else could Santa get those toys into your house unless he breaks in? The chimney's not exactly a 'normal' mode of entry for most people. And what about those of us without chimnies? That question leads us to ...
3. You have some sort of supernatural creature coming into your home. Honestly; have you seen the insides of chimnies? They're too small for someone of Santa's legendary girth to squeeze through. And if you don't have a chimney, how does he slither into your house through locked doors and windows?
4. He sneaks in when you're not looking. One of the scariest things I can think of is having someone in your house and you aren't aware of their presence. Santa gets in and out while you're home without your ever noticing. You just see the aftermath.
5. There are consequences if you don't follow his rules. If you screw up and end up on the naughty list, Santa is very disappointed in you. No goodies for you, this year.

Maybe the eerie aspects of Christmas are what makes it so special. Even the religious aspects of the holiday are rather scarey: mysterious stars appearing suddenly in the sky; voices and visions of supernatural beings appearing in the dead of night to shepherds out in the fields at night.

All in all, the mysteries of Christmas make it the most intriguing of all holidays. There is the anticipation of what's in those wrapped packages; family and loved ones gathering; feasts--I wouldn't trade celebrating the holiday with anything else.

Here's hoping everyone has a good holiday season whatever your religion, creed or beliefs, or even lack of any of the aforementioned.

Holidays Getting Close

Finally getting the husband to get the house ready for the holidays. Now that the kids are here, he has no real excuse for not decorating.

I'm in a much more festive mood than in the last couple of years. Of course that isn't saying much.

Year before last, I was just getting out of the hospital and didn't feel like doing anything.

Last year, I'd lost 2 jobs in a month and besides being broke, I was depressed. Not just sad, but soul-crushingly depressed. I was practically suicidal. I had no desire to celebrate anything and just wanted to hide away and die.

This year, I'm relatively calm and not desperately un-happy though I've had enough hospitalizations this year to choke an elephant. Two heart attacks (at least) as well as unstable angina and Bell's Palsey, have really taken the wind out of my sails.

But we have the kids here this year and it's not fair to them, or, actually, to my lovely husband for me to sit around and mope. I'm going to try to make the best of it and pretend to be happy for them.

But I don't think I will ever be truly happy again. My spirit is broken and I've lost hope. I'm dying and it won't be too terribly far away. Though I don't think I really fear death, I don't want to leave my husband and my sweet pups. The kids will be fine; they have a mother. I'm just the wicked stepmother.

But my dogs have no one but me to advocate for them. My husband says they're out of here if anything happens to me 'cause he can't take care of them alone. I can't stand the thought of them being taken to a pound. They should be loved and cared for the rest of their lives. They're the only ones I feel really need me. Everyone else will be fine, if not better off, without me.

Ah well, it's no fun talking about such things during the holiday season. I think my New Year's resolution for 2010 will be to have a more positive attitude.

Happy Holidays to all.

Ups and Downs

The holiday season. It's supposed to be so full of happiness. Yet, I'm behind in everything I'm not working, not writing, and still don't have the house decorated. If it weren't for Jess, we'd have no trees anywhere. At least she got her tree up in her room.

Every day I think I'm going to do something; yet, I wind up sleeping, feeling tired, feeling bad, and never getting anything done.

I'm giving up on writing, too. I haven't had an original idea in years.

I'm just tired. Tired of everything.

RIP Uga

Sad news from the University of Georgia.

Our beloved mascot, Uga VII, passed away in a shocking turn of events this week. We only had him as our Dawg for a couple of years. The entire Bulldog Nation is in mourning. His memorial service may be found at www.georgiadogs.com . We were all shocked when we heard. His funeral service was held at Sanford Stadium and he was laid to rest in the Uga crypts in the entrance area inside the stadium.

I'm quite sad at this turn of events. First, because he was a symbol of my most beloved Alma Mater. Second, he was a dog. Not just a dog, but a Dawg. My heart breaks to think of how short his life was. However, I draw some comfort to know he was much loved throughout the Bulldog Nation. And he lived in the lap of luxury as not only the symbol of our University, but as the beloved family pet of the Seilers.

He will be missed terribly, but we are thankful for the memories of his service.

Godspeed, Uga. Thank you for letting us share your life.

Interesting Book Trailer

From the Smart Bitches, Trashy Books website: This trailer for hot Cracken love had me laughing. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QwM6uoQAh50&feature=player_embedded

I'd read it, though.

Wish I could write something people wanted to read. And I keep having ideas during the middle of the night just as I'm drifting off to sleep. However, I can't remember them when I wake up.

Oh, I know the rules: Keep a notebook by the bed to jot down ideas.

Yeah, right. I'm almost asleep. I'm not going to rouse myself to write something down when I'm slipping into the arms of Morpheus. I have a hard enough time falling asleep and staying asleep. I'm not going to interrupt the process.

Speaking of dreams, I keep having dreams about living in Alaska, traveling on roads down from my house in Georgia, and working in either a hospital, nursing home or the managed care offices I once worked in. Talk about nightmares.

I loved working at AdvoCare (Magellan). I also loved working at BACH in AK. I really didn't like that place I worked when I had my sudden cardiac death a couple of years ago (can't even remember the name; thank God I've blocked it out). Neither did I like that nursing home I worked in for a month last year (or was it the year before?).

Before I married, I had good and bad jobs. But since then, I've had either really good ones or really sucky ones. When we first married, I worked in a hospital. I never wanted to see patients again after some 85 year old woman beat me with her call light one night. She was possessed.

Now, however, I can't work. My memory is terrible, but my health is worse. I can't hold out to do physical labor and my memory is so bad, I wouldn't trust myself to do patient care--which is what they wanted me to do at the Nursing Home. I told them I couldn't do it, but they made me do it anyway and then when I couldn't do it correctly, they fired me.

No big loss. I hated that place anyway. I was happy when they let me go. The stress of worrying about it was over. Same with the job before that. I knew I wasn't doing what I needed to do and couldn't force myself to do any better. I plain wasn't able.

Tough to admit: I was always the caretaker for everyone and not being able to do it anymore is absolutely soul-crushing. Plus, I'd never ever been FIRED from any job before. Then to be fired twice in the same month--absolutely devastating.

But, I suppose it was a blessing in disguise. I've had 2 heart attacks since then. I'd never have been able to work effectively. Still, feels weird.

Idiots in Washington?

The anti-rape bill in congress that would allow victims to sue their attackers' companies, barely passed. It came about because a worker in Iraq was gang-raped by co-workers from Halliburton. The anti-rape bill was introduced by Al Franken (D-MN).

Who would be stupid enough to vote against it? These senators:

Alexander (R-TN)
Barrasso (R-WY)
Bond (R-MO)
Brownback (R-KS)
Bunning (R-KY)
Burr (R-NC)
Chambliss (R-GA)
Coburn (R-OK)
Cochran (R-MS)
Corker (R-TN)
Cornyn (R-TX)
Crapo (R-ID)
DeMint (R-SC)
Ensign (R-NV)
Enzi (R-WY)
Graham (R-SC)
Gregg (R-NH)
Inhofe (R-OK)
Isakson (R-GA)
Johanns (R-NE)
Kyl (R-AZ)
McCain (R-AZ)
McConnell (R-KY)
Risch (R-ID)
Roberts (R-KS)
Sessions (R-AL)
Shelby (R-AL)
Thune (R-SD)
Vitter (R-LA)
Wicker (R-MS)

I'm so ashamed both senators from my home state of Georgia voted against it, as did both senators from my adopted state of Tennessee.

Are they high? What's wrong with these senators? They're essentially saying they approve of rape; that rape is OK, just hush it up.

I will certainly vote against them when they next come up for election. I don't care who they are.

I seldom get political online, but this just burned my butt. The votes against it were all Republican because a Democrat introduced it. I'm neither R or D, but good grief; can't they put party politics aside and work for the good of the country, not themselves and their party? The Republicans sure stabbed themselves in the foot on this one. They'll need to do a lot to make up for such a lack of common sense.

New Year, New Week

I've begun a new year in my life. Yesterday was my birthday. My sweetheart and The Girl gave me a princess cake complete with septre and tiara. I've always said I was a princess (as per my Daddy) and it's followed me all my life.

I'm not sure how I feel about growing older. Of course, as they say, the alternative isn't that pleasant. Then again, sometimes I wish I could go ahead and finish this life.

I'm tired. I'm tired of being sick; tired of being in pain; tired of being a burden; tired of not being able to do anything; tired of being poor; tired of having a messy house and not feeling like cleaning.

I'm always tired. I'd sleep all day and all night if I could get away with it. I wish I could feel energetic, but I'd rather just sleep. Physically, that is. Mentally, I'd love to do stuff. I see things I'd like to do, places I'd like to go, projects I'd like to work on. But I'm always tired. I don't have the energy to do anything.

But today, I'm going to try to feel better. I'm going to make a concious effort to get some sunshine and feel better. It'll be tough 'cause right now I want to nap, but I'm going to at least try. It's not fair to the dogs that I keep them in with me all the time. They need to run and play.

I'm thakful for having lived another year, birthday cake, scented candles and snuggly pups.

Not Sure What Happened ...

But I had another MI (heart attack). Can't remember for sure what day it was, but it was recent and I was in the hospital for almost a week.

I woke up and kept having chest pain. I tried aspirin and then sublingual nitroglycerine. I took four or five of them and it just got worse. Finally, I called 911. They came and I was crying while I talked to the operator 'cause I hadn't washed my hair or had a shower.

I remember getting in the ambulance and them telling me I was going to be OK. I've told countless patients the same thing.

"You'll be alright."

"We're going to take care of you."

"Just relax and breathe."

"Don't panic. Just be calm and let us take care of you."

And I remember thinking how stupid we must've sounded to all those poor patients. I knew I was dying, knew I was having a heart attack.

I vaguely remember getting to the hospital, but that's it. The next thing I know I was in ICU on the ventilator. They'd already cath'd and stented me. My best friend drove up from South Georgia. I was shocked. She stayed at our house until I was taken out of ICU off the Vent.

I came home a couple of days ago. I still get uber-tired when I do anything. And I've got some sort of cough, no doubt from being on the vent plus I was given the flu and pneumonia vaccines while hospitalized. I'm doing my breathing exercises, though, and drinking plenty of fluids. My meds didn't change, but the doctor told me I couldn't miss even 1 dose of Plavix. Apparently my blood clots too much in my heart. Likely, the poor cardiac function leads to the blood not pumping correctly, pooling then developing clots.

But, anyway, I'm grateful to God for the EMS, my pups, my doctors, my nurses, & my wonderful friends and family.

New Cousin

My cousin's daughter, Kimberly, had her baby a couple of weeks ago. Her name's Layla. She's so cute. I'm glad Kimberly keeps us in mind when these things happen. Her blog and e-mails are the only connections I have left with my mother's family.

Her mom, Janet, and I grew up together. Janet was about 4 or 5 years younger than me, but we played together all the time. Janet's older sister, Cindy, passed away earlier this year from cancer. Her younger brother died in 1999 from a heart attack. He had sudden cardiac death, just like me. Only he was asleep and it just happened. She has two more younger siblings, Greg and Mysti, who are also my cousins. Mysti has 2 kids who were in my wedding.

Family was always so important to me. They still are, but we're not close like we used to be. My husband's family is close--his mom, brother and sister--but he doesn't know any of his cousins well, never associates with them, or aunts & uncles. I think, since he was in the military, he got used to not having family around.

I, on the other hand, always had family nearby. We all lived in the same general area except for a few cousins. Sunday dinners, Saturday night suppers, Friday night get-togethers, all at Grandma's were great. I wouldn't trade my memories of those times for anything.

I always thought I'd have kids and we'd all still get together at Grandma's with my cousins and their kids. Didn't happen, though. My next hope was to marry into a large, close family. They're fairly close, but my husband doesn't care for family get-togethers. Plus, I feel awkward when I'm with them.

I've never been comfortable around strangers and I feel like a stranger among his family. Maybe it's the culture: while his family has some 'white' (as my husband says) people married into it, it's a Filipino family. They speak Tagalog when together and I don't think they realize how alienating that is to those of us who don't speak it.

My husband didn't understand why I was hurt by their constant speaking of Tagalog at home.

"We're not saying anything about you. I'd tell you if we were. Just ask."

I explained to him that it was quite exclusionary.

"What if my family and I spoke French? And whenever we were together, all we spoke with each other was French? How would you feel?"

I told him it was impolite to speak a language around other people which wasn't spoken by all of the people present. He finally agreed. Now, if they talk to him in Tagalog and I'm present, he tells them to speak English.

Still, though, if we go to his extended family gatherings, there will be more people there who'll speak Tagalog and I'll feel left out.

But, they're a gregarious bunch. Quite unlike me and my husband. If we spend Thanksgiving with his family again this year (like we usually do), I think I'll finally go with them to the big family gathering. He & I usually stay at his mom's and enjoy the peace and quiet while they take the kids and go party.

This year, however, we're staying at a hotel instead of at his mom's. I've told him time and time again, his mom shouldn't have to tend to 5 extra people and 3 dogs in that one townhouse. It's too much work for her. I was raised to 'spoil your mama'.

Plus, there's only 1 shower for 8 people. Doesn't work too well.

I'm really going to try to be more open and friendlier this year. I'm just naturally aloof around strangers. I think it's because as a kid I was always chastised for being too noisy and taught that "Children are to be seen and not heard." I still kinda believe that. However, I think kids should have good manners and be well-behaved and if they can talk sensibly, there's no reason not to include them.

I also remember, when I was younger, how I'd be excited about family gatherings and was scolded and told to "stop being silly". So I think I learned to overcompensate: I never show excitement or joy around people anymore. Only at ballgames do I feel free to express myself.

Today I'm thankful for: Cheese, my cousin's safe delivery, puppy snuggles, not having a lot of chest pain lately, and, of course, my husband, pups and stepkids.

House Plans

For some reason, I still get houseplans in my e-mail. Years ago, when I had a good job and we had the world in front of us, I used to look at house plans and dream of building our home on Daddy's land or Mama's land or land his mother owns and said we could have.

I've loved looking at house plans since I was a little kid and saw them in Daddy's stuff. I always dreamed of having my own house, built just like I wanted, on my own land.

But it looks like we won't ever have that. We bought a house we don't really like here in TN so we could be close to his kids. Their mom, however, is likely going to move again. She's been here over four years--a record for her.

If we can make it another five years, the Girl will graduate and we'll be free to move wherever my sweetie wants to go. I don't know if I'll still be around by then, however. My heart will probably give out long before then.

So, another day, shot. I didn't do anything useful today. I must try tomorrow.

Weekend's OVAH!!

It's pretty sad when I'm glad to see a weekend end. I suppose it's because now that I'm not working, I have no incentive to care about weekends anymore.

But then, there's Dexter. That show makes the whole weekend worthy for me. We love that show.

I'm reading, still. The Duchess. It's pretty interesting. I didn't know much about her before starting this book. I didn't see the movie and since I'm not a Kiera Knightly fan, I doubt I will.

I plan to actually do some housework tomorrow. I never clean house anymore and fell so bad about it. My husband shouldn't have to do it. He works hard all week. I just sleep all day. Of course, I stay up all night. I'm trying to change that, but I fell asleep this afternoon, too. I take sleeping meds, but they don't work anymore.

We had The Girl all weekend. She's a pretty thing and a sweet girl, but she's also growing up. She accidentally left her MySpace open and I saw it. Wish I hadn't.

But, luckily, I have this short-term memory loss so I've pretty much forgotten what hurt my feelings. I've never been so glad to be forgetful.

I suppose that's something I should be thankful for: not being able to remember hurts or slights. I'm also thankful for chocolate cookie ice cream, ice water, fall sunshine and snuggly puppies. As always, I'm thankful for my 3 dogs, my husband and my family/friends.

Growing Up

The Girl is here this weekend and she's been on my laptop all day. She left her windows open when she fell asleep and I saw her myspace page. You know, some things, I just didn't want to know.

Of course, she's growing up. She's about 12 or 13 now, and I know it's boring over here for her since we don't go anywhere or do anything that would be interesting to her. We just stay home; her daddy plays online and I sleep. Nothing to do but watch TV or go online.

But if she wants to do something else, she should tell us. I have no idea what to do with her. When I was her age, I spent most of my time with my family and/or reading. I read copiously. But, if I'd had friends, I'd probably have wanted to spend time with them rather than family. Of course, my family was my entire social circle. She's a pretty girl and has plenty of friends. She says she doesn't like people, but she obviously does.

I guess I should just give it up, forget about having her around. She needs to make her own life and her own friends. I never thought I'd care, but I do. I'll miss her. Her Daddy is going to be devastated. I need to figure out a way to prepare him without betraying the girl's privacy. But he grew up in a tight-knit family too.

Damn, I feel old.

Not A Bad Day

I didn't feel too bad today. I had some chest pain earlier, but once I went back to bed and slept a while, I felt much better this afternoon.

The thing is, I can't clean house or do anything constructive because of the chest pain. It's fine when I don't do anything, but once I start moving around with any purpose, the chest starts hurting. I'm not sure what to do about it. I'm going to try gradually increasing my activity, little by little; but if my vessels are clogged again, it'll still hurt.

I'm being a sad excuse for a wife. I can't keep the house clean, can't finish my painting, can't contribute any income to the household, and even the stuff I used to love doing, hurts. It's not fair to my sweet husband.

I told my sweetie, I've got to be a better person. I need to be nicer and stop being such a beyatch. I've got to do better. I don't care how much pain I'm in, I just need to do it.

On a happier note, I was in a good mood most of the day today. It was pretty outside: that perfect fall sunshine, not too hot. Tomorrow, if it stays this way, I might take the girls out for a walk in the yard. Too bad it's not fenced. I'd like to let them run free when I'm out there, but they'll run off and get into other people's yards.

I love fall. It's my favorite time of year. The weather's cool, the colors are beautiful, the holidays come: Homecoming, Halloween, Thanksgiving, the ramp up to Christmas. I love it all.

I love baking, cooking and decorating. That's one reason I need to get this house perfect: decorations! I'd like to trim the hedges outside, but hedge clippers make my chest really hurt. We'll see how it works out.

Well, time for me to shut up. But before I go, today, I'm especially grateful for: my family & friends, my dogs, sunshine, cool weather, and automatic ice makers.

Dexter!!

Watched the season premier of Dexter tonight. I've missed that show though I've made do with reruns. It's my favorite show right now, and has been since it first came on. Even my husband and stepkids love it.

I've had a good bit of chest pain lately and been taking SL NTG. It's disheartening, discouraging and disappointing. What good did all those caths and stents do earlier this year if I'm going to keep having chest pain? Sometimes I think I should just get a brand new heart though I'm not a good candidate. Plus, the life expectancy isn't that long after the transplant. So, it'd probably be a waste of time for me.

I've tried to tell my husband to prepare for when I die, but he won't hear of it. He refuses to let me discuss it with him and I've tried to tell him the time for planning that sort of thing is before something bad happens. He seems to think if we don't talk about it, it won't happen. But I know it's not far off and I can't talk to anyone about it. No one wants to hear it.

So, I need to get everything taken care of right now. I've got to finish painting. I think that'll be my priority tomorrow: clean our bedroom and bathroom and finish painting it. Of course, the way I feel, maybe it should be my week's priority. I know I'll have to stop and rest every four or five minutes.

I'm just disgusted with myself. I shouldn't be like this. I should be contributing to my husband's welfare rather than being taken care of by him. He worked hard in the Army and should be enjoying his retirement instead of having to work.

I shouldn't worry but it's so hard. I need to learn to let go of things that I can't help or do anything about. I spend far too much time worrying about what I should have done in the past. It keeps me from looking forward tot he future or enjoying the present. I always think of how things were and how they should have been and focusing on the mistakes and messes I've made rather than moving past them and living in the now and enjoying what I have and what I could have. I'm too concerned with what I used to have and what I don't have.

I'm going to try to do better. It'll be hard and I have no doubt I'll have lots of false starts, but I'm going to try. It's all I can do.

Actually Left the House Today

After not sleeping at all last night, I was in no mood to go anywhere today. But we went to eat brunch, then to the mall where the girl got 2 new pairs of glasses. I actually managed to walk around to a few stores. I didn't have to take any NTG (I don't think) today.

My husband is marinating Filipino barbeque. He's been searching for the perfect recipe and he thinks he's found it. He's been trying for years, keeps looking them up online. He knows the taste he's going for, but I don't so I can't help. He asked his mom, but she didn't give him the right one, apparently. He knows it involves 7-Up.

Still at a loss as far as writing goes. I have no new, original ideas and just plain don't feel any inspiration for any topic whatsoever.

Guess I just need to start writing and see where it leads. I've never been good at the automatic writing thing. I remember them teaching us how to do that in one of my college writing courses. I guess I'll try it. I mean, it can't hurt.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Odds & Ends

Found this article linked by one of the folks on Absolute Write about new life forms found in a newly discovered volcano valley in New Guinea.

I find stuff like this fascinating. Of course, DH barely ever pays attention when I mention it. If it's not some bad Filipino singer/dancer of YouTube, he doesn't care. That's all he watches online anymore. He goes straight to YouTube and looks up anything to do with Filipinos, Pinoys, Pinays, the Philippines. That's all he ever googles. I suppose it could be worse; he could be looking at porn. Not that I'd mind.

Of course, it'd probably be Filipino porn.

Musings & Ramblings

Saw this via my dog's twitter. Pretty cool. I'd watch more Disney stuff if they had characters like that. Then again, I've always liked twisted, strange and disturbing things.

Even as a kid, I loved scarey stuff. My mother told me ghost stories as bedtime stories. I particularly remember the story of The Screaming Skull. Now some would say she warped me, scarred me for life. I say, she challenged my imagination.

She also used to tell us if we didn't keep our feet under the cover during the winter, the Foot Snatcher would steal our feet. My cousins told me they still can't sleep without something over their toes at the very least, 'cause of Mama's stories of the Foot Snatcher. Neither can I.

I think kids nowadays aren't being challenged to use their imaginations. We all made up stories and acted them out in play. We had elaborate scenarios, dressed up in old clothes we found in our grandmother's trunks, imagined vast rooms in castles delineated by the roots of the huge, old oak trees, azalea bushes, and mimosa trees. The lane leading to Grandma's house was a long corridor with rooms leading off into the bushes on either side. Swords, spears, bouquets and even pompoms all came from the Chinaberry trees which grew all around the property.

We would go out and play from morning 'til bedtime and just come in to use the bathroom or get something to drink or eat.

We didn't wait to be entertained. We entertained ourselves. We didn't know what was on TV at the time and didn't care. We didn't wait for a game to tell us what to do; we made our own rules and our own games and they involved movement. If we wanted to explore a different planet, we decided what part of the yard was the new landscape and set about exploring it, making up features as we went along.

I don't want to sound like an old fogey, whining about how 'these kids nowadays have no idea how to play'. But it does make me smile when I see kids actually playing, making things up, using their imaginations. Not everything has to be planned out and spoon fed.

Sleepless in Tennessee

Once again, I'm awake in the middle of the night. I slept for a couple of hours, then got up to go to the bathroom and, of course, the dogs all wanted to go out too. We had some left-over noodles from dinner, then came downstairs. Not sleepy at all. At least, I'm not. The dogs are all sacked out in their usual spots.

I don't sleep at night like I used to. I do nap an awful lot during the day, mainly 'cause I don't sleep at night. I'm not sure why.

Am I afraid to sleep at night? Does my breathing go bad when I lie down on the bed? I have the cpap I could use. Of course, I haven't used it in over a year. It likely needs sterilizing and new tubing and masks. But I couldn't sleep with it on. In bed, I sleep on my side/stomach. The mask doesn't fit well enough to wear like that. Maybe I should bring it downstairs since I sit in my chair (the Recliner-O-Doom) and fall asleep easily.

I can't even write when I'm up like this. I can't think of a damned thing to write. My stupid WIPs are boring and I can't think of anything to do with them.

Well, I guess I'll try sleeping again. I'm feeling a little tired at the moment.

How Sad Twitter Can Be

When I started on Twitter, I was only curious. I tweet for my little dog, Josie. Jodi & Sugarbaby's names were already taken and Josie's young so she's of 'Generation Tweet'.

At first, I followed people I knew or had heard of, people in my writing group, and a few anipals I found. Now, I'm almost exclusively following anipals. And therein lies my problem.

Several of them are sick and at least 2 have passed away since I started following. Tonight, I read another is going to be put down tomorrow. A bunny, this time.

How silly am I to cry over these animals I don't even know? Especially when there are so many other things going on in the world that many would agree are much worse. Still, it takes something small and personal to touch my heart.

I believe most people are like that. The big things: genocide, famine, disasters, mass murders, wars--these are impersonal, distant occurrences that have no real 'face' to them.

Yet the death of a single dog I only know through Twitter is enough to make me cry for days and breaks my heart. I think the key is that I've some sort of relationship with this 'anipal' through reading tweets. I've been given an insight into his life and now it's ending.

Of course, I've always been more affected by the death of an animal than a person, unless that person is personally dear to me. I believe one reason for this disconnect has to do with the fact that most people understand what's happening to them. They can take actions to avoid needless suffering or illness or death (to a certain extent).

Animals don't know why they're sick or hurt and they look to us to make them better. They didn't ask for someone to poison them or hit them with a car or beat them or make them fight. They didn't ask for slaughter. They're just going along, living their little animal lives when something happens to hurt or kill them.

Responsibilty for their welfare weighs heavily on my heart. In Genesis, God told Adam He was giving Man dominion over the creatures of the earth. In a way, He was making Man god of the animals on earth.

What kind of gods and goddesses are we when we torture, abuse, ignore the suffering of the creatures of the earth? Would we want our own God to ignore our needs like we do the animals? Would we want Him to turn a blind eye to our suffering?

I don't think so. I know I'm only one person and I'm so frustrated that I can't do more to take care of the helpless and voiceless.

I cross-stitched an angel with a prayer that hangs in our house:

Keep watch, dear Angel
And guard with Tenderness
Small Things which
Have No Words.

I say this prayer every day.

Go Dawgs!

Yes! UGA pulled it out today and beat Arkansas.

One of the things I miss most about being sick and poor is being able to go to ballgames. I'd never be able to walk all over the campus like I did before I got sick. My heart wouldn't take it. And I sure couldn't stay out in the heat of the stadium.

I remember one year playing TN and it was so bloody hot in Sanford Stadium. No air was moving at all and it was in the 90s-100s down at field level. Plus it was so crowded, no one could breathe. It was actually kinda scarey. People crowded the aisles and the crowd started pushing and people were being crushed. I remember pulling some girl out of the crowd on the steps next to my seat. She was crying, practically hysterical. Too hot down there.

I always dreamed of my husband and kids going to Athens on Saturdays, tailgating, going to the games, wearing the Red & Black, spending time in the mountains on our way back home. But, though we did that a few times, it's not like I imagined. We never had enough time or money to do it like I'd always dreamed.

Now, I'm too sick and old and poor to do anything like that. I didn't get to retire and have a comfortable end of days. Now it's too late. I didn't realize my full earning potential, and what I did have, I pissed away. I have nothing to show for all the years I worked. My poor husband should be enjoying his retirement instead of working.

One reason I wish I could become a published writer is so I'd have something to show for my 'wasted time'. My husband is so supportive and he believes in me and my writing aspirations. He's never said he blames me for our money woes though if I'd never gotten sick, we wouldn't have them.

I have the most wonderful husband in the world. I wish I could spoil him like he deserves. But I can't. I can't even make the house beautiful for him because of my heart. I get chest pain and short of breath just walking from the bed to the bathroom, much less actually DOING anything.

But UGA won this Saturday, so all's right with the world.

Go Dawgs!

Still Kickin'

Friday morning and all is ... not exactly well, but at least OK. A little bit of chest pain this morning, but it eased on rest. Still, it's irritating and not a little scarey.

I've about decided to quit writing. I apparently have no new ideas that are worth the effort and when I do have an idea, it disappears before I can get to the computer to write.

I blew all my good ideas on non-publishable stuff. I've tried to make it publishable, but it loses something in translation. I guess I just suck.

The thing is, I've always wanted to be a writer. All my life, I've written stories. I loved making up tales about things I see, ideas I have, stuff I hear. I've been doing it as long as I can remember.

But now, I can't think of anything worth writing anymore. I'm apparently too stupid since my brain damage, to think clearly. I keep coming back to the same storylines. I've tried to submit them, but no one wants them.

So I suppose I should just give up. I'll never be a great writer. Heck, I'll never even be a mediocre writer. I'm just a sucky writer.

Trying This Again

This is my latest attempt at a blog. Perhaps this one will be more successful since I'm home more than before.

I am the voice of Jodi, Josie & Baby - three rowdy little dogs, all with some pomeranian in them (Sugarbaby's the only pure-breed pom); and I am also an aspiring writer. We're all trying to get me published. So far, we've been unsuccessful.

I write fiction. Specifically, fantasy, horror & romance, all wrapped into one messy package. May even have a little sci-fi thrown in once in a while.

I've been writing since I was a kid but have been interrupted by life; things like school, work, family all have a way of pushing writing to the side.

I'm not a good writer. In fact, I suck big, ol' donkey 'nads. Every time I think I have a great idea, someone's already done it much better than I ever could.

I joined an online writer's group only to find everyone on there is much better than I am and I have nothing to contribute. It's depressing, I tell you. But I'm still trying. Rejections come in faster than submissions. In fact, I think I've gotten more rejections than I've made submissions. Not sure how that happened, but in my warped space-time continuum, it's possible.

So, we'll see how this goes. Now that I can't work outside the home anymore, I need some sort of contact with the outside world. This blog should be it. It'll probably never be read by anyone but me, but hey, at least I'm doing something.